Defensiveness is a Sign of Lack of Confidence

Do you frequently react defensively when people are talking to you because you imagine that they are subtly putting you down or are trying to manipulate you? These fears are common in people who have low confidence, usually because it's exactly what has happened in the past with people that did not have our best interests at heart. It's wise to remember that just because we have been hurt in the past, it doesn't mean that everyone is out to hurt us. Acting as if they are, will push people away and cause a great deal of communication problems.

We have all had our feelings hurt by someone we love - it's an inevitable part of being human. But what we often do is attach false meanings to these kinds of experiences and say to ourselves that this person hurt us because we are worthless, weak, stupid or unlovable. This thinking is simply untrue and falls down as soon as we start to think about it logically!

Think of it this way. If your child came home from school and told you that someone had kicked her at playtime, would you call her worthless, weak, stupid or unlovable? No you would not! You would offer her comfort, talk to her reassuringly and let her know that it was the person that kicked her that has the real problem.

When someone hurts our feelings, whether accidentally or purposely, it doesn't mean that there is something fundamentally wrong with us! If someone does hurt us purposefully, it definitely says more about them than it does about us. Even the kindest people can hurt each other accidentally from time to time, which is all part of the rich tapestry of life.

The lesson here is that we need to be as kind to ourselves as we would be to our own child. Don't kick yourself when you are already feeling down. Give yourself some love and reassurance and let yourself heal. If you do this you will find that there is no need to act defensively and you will be gaining self confidence daily.

With warmest wishes,

Simone